


We Live Through it All

by KatyaZel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hogwarts Hospital Wing, M/M, Poppy Pomfrey is a star, Transformation, Werewolf Remus Lupin, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24259618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatyaZel/pseuds/KatyaZel
Summary: Remus seeks some advice from Poppy about Sirius and the wolf. Poppy, as ever, is brilliant.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Poppy Pomfrey, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 71





	We Live Through it All

“Sirius, I have told you a hundred times that you need to let me  _ work. _ You can see him later.”

“Poppy, come  _ on,  _ I just want to see how he’s doing. Just want to check.”

“No. Come back after lunch if you must.”

“I think you’re getting meaner in your old age, I really do.”

“Goodbye, Sirius.”

Remus would have smiled upon hearing this exchange if it weren’t for a brand new cut along his left cheek that rendered any movement of the mouth quite painful. As his eyes blinked open, he saw Poppy standing next to him, measuring out essence of dittany. “Hello,” he said, then winced and reached up to touch his cheek.

Poppy turned to him. “Oh, you’re awake. Let’s take a look, shall we? How do you feel this morning?” She began her usual scan of his whole body, checking for bruises, wounds, bones or joints out of place. She applied dittany to his cheek, and he immediately felt better. “Rotate your wrist here for me, will you?” He tried to, and hissed at the pain that shot up his arm. “Hm. Let me see that.”

As Poppy took out her wand, Remus said, “Worse than last month, somehow, though I couldn’t tell you why. It was a shorter moon, so I can’t think why I feel so awful. I mean, last month I barely had a scratch, right?”

She nodded as she muttered a healing spell, and Remus’s wrist creaked. He gritted his teeth as it shifted back into its proper alignment. “I’ll be frank, Remus, I have no idea why your transformations have gotten easier these last few years, but you ought to thank every lucky star you’ve got. All the literature--well, anecdotal evidence, really, since no comprehensive studies have been done--but all accounts say that adolescence, ten to fifteen years after the initial bite, should be the worst time for a werewolf.” She prodded at a bruise on his left leg and pursed her lips. Remus averted his eyes, because he knew exactly why his transformations were easier now. Poppy continued. “But whatever the reason, I’m glad of it for your sake. And mine, too, for that matter.”

Remus smiled weakly. “Happy to lighten your burden, Poppy.”

She shook her head and gave a small laugh. “You may be my most frequent patient, but you’re also my easiest one. Whether or not a particular night is very bad.” She took his chin in her hand and turned his head side to side. “Does that hurt?”

“No.”

“Good. Yes, you’re always a good patient. Our friend Sirius, on the other hand…” she smiled ruefully. “I suppose he makes an easier patient than he does visitor, at least.”

Remus tried to hold back his grin, but he felt himself blush a little. “I heard him trying to come in here, earlier. Sorry you have to deal with the idiot.”

“Well, we know he cares,” she said dryly. She raised one eyebrow at Remus. “Is it worth me pointing out that he’s only been so adamant about seeing you over the last five or six months? Or that of your charming group of four, he’s the only one who insists on pestering me every month?” The corners of her mouth quirked.

Remus sniffed and fought a smile. He felt his cheeks get red. “I don’t know what you’re implying.” How did she know?

“Right. Of course not. Do you think I’ve missed anything?” she asked, checking her work.

Remus did the same. “I don’t think so. All healed up, externally.” 

“Good. I’ve got some chocolate for you, just a moment.”

As she disappeared briefly into her office, Remus shut his eyes and smiled. It had been only two months since he first kissed Sirius on that frigid December morning, and he still felt like an idiot, an amazingly lucky idiot, every time he remembered that that was something he could do now, practically anytime he wanted. He was still grinning stupidly, thinking of how Sirius wanted Remus to wake up to a friendly face and a comforting hand, when Poppy returned and handed him a bar of chocolate. “Thanks,” he said. He tried to school his expression, but Poppy snorted and shook her head. Remus wrinkled his nose at her. “How did you know?”

“Know what?” she asked innocently.

_ “Poppy.  _ How did you know about--about me and Sirius?”

She sighed. “I don’t know anything about you and Sirius, since neither of you has said anything to me on the matter.” Remus shot her a disparaging look, and she shrugged. “The two of you spend more time in this hospital wing than any other students in the school, and not just for healing. Honestly, I’ve given more advice to you and Sirius about each other than I have about wounds and potions. Just because neither of you ever used the other’s name doesn’t mean you were very good at hiding what you meant.”

Remus laughed. “I suppose that’s more than fair. Wait--he asked you about me?”

“I will  _ not  _ get into that with you. You can talk with him about it.”

“Well, alright.” He paused and took a large bite of chocolate. As he chewed, he turned over in his mind the thing he wanted to talk about with Poppy. “Is it fair, do you think,” he began slowly, “When I know that this is how I will be for my entire life, to begin seeing someone?” He thought about this nearly all the time. This question had kept him from facing his feelings for Sirius for nearly a year.

She sighed and finally sat, settling on the edge of the cot next to Remus’s. He felt a stab of guilt for always asking her this sort of question, but nothing in her face read resentment or annoyance; it was all compassion and concern. “First of all, and I know that this is very difficult for you teenagers to comprehend, but you are so, so young. Seeing someone when you’re seventeen doesn’t mean you’ll spend your life with them.” Remus knew that was true, maybe, but he couldn’t imagine a life without Sirius. Poppy continued. “But beyond that...I will never be able to understand this difficulty you face. Chronic conditions have immediate, obvious challenges, but there is also an experience created  _ by  _ living through them that is a beast in and of itself. And I am sure that that is unbelievably hard at times.” 

She paused here, and Remus met her eyes. He felt a surge of gratitude all over again that this remarkable woman happened to start working at Hogwarts shortly before he arrived. “It is,” he said simply, though those two words, a short acknowledgement of his own suffering, were difficult to extract. “It is hard.”

Poppy nodded. “But here is the truth, Remus. You have been dealt a rotten hand, and at the same time, you are a remarkable young man. Yes, you will transform for the rest of your life. There will never come a day when you are not a werewolf. And yet there will never come a day, either, when you are not Remus Lupin. Who you are supersedes the condition you live with, and the two are not the same thing.”

Remus thought about this. She gave him silence, which, after years of knowing him, she knew he needed to order his mind. “I don’t think I believe that, really,” he finally said slowly. “I suppose it’s hard to separate the two. Where do I end, and where does the wolf begin? I live a constant monthly countdown, you know? And I suppose…” he paused again, uncertain what he supposed. “Hm. I suppose I hate having to accept that. I think I alternate between flat denial, and really pitiful wallowing.”

“You are the most self-aware teenager I have ever known,” Poppy said with amusement.

“Lots of practice,” Remus grinned.

“Here’s what I’ll say to you. Your condition doesn’t define you and it shouldn’t prevent you from being happy. Coming to accept that it is a thing happening to you, and not your fault or an intrinsic piece of you or your personality, will be tremendously freeing. You’re already halfway there, just by being so conscious of it. Take each moment for what it is, and remember that in the scheme of your life, you are almost never the wolf.”

“When exactly did all of this wisdom come to you? Should I be expecting a package or something when I graduate?”

She laughed and stood up. “Yes. That’s exactly how you become wise. Owl post.”

Remus thought he felt a little better. He wasn’t sure he believed it, really, but he thought he could try.


End file.
